I’m an 18-year-old trans girl, and I came out to my mom
in February. At first she wasn’t too bad toward me. […]
I’m an 18-year-old trans girl, and I came out to my mom in February. At first she wasn’t too bad toward me.
Shortly after coming out to her I decided it was time to
come out to the world, and it could not have possibly gone better; I
gained a massive support network, and my self-esteem had never been so
high, despite my mom telling me that I was “claiming to be transgender”
because I wanted attention. Obviously this wasn’t true, but it still
hurt me. [….]
Then prom happened. I’m fortunate to go to a high school
with a very accepting faculty and administration and was granted
permission to go to prom as a female, which I, of course, took advantage
of. In hindsight this is where I screwed up—I went to prom, but without
telling my mom I was going as a female, figuring I’d be better off
asking forgiveness than permission.
After she found out, it hit the fan. My mom tracked down
everyone who had supported me and threatened some of them with lawsuits
because they dared to call her out on her bigotry.
I only recently found out exactly what she said to my
friends, and frankly, it’s horrifying. I don’t know how I should
approach them—or whether I should let them come to me. Any advice or
help is appreciated!
And here are some salient points from the answer she got:
This isn’t really the point of your letter, but I need make it clear:
You didn’t “screw up” by going to prom as a girl. You ARE a girl, so
this was a perfectly reasonable thing to do! It might or might not have
gone better with your mom if you had discussed your plans with her in
advance, but please know that her shitty reaction is entirely her own
responsibility. […]
You didn’t cause your mother’s irrationality, and you are not to blame
for your friends being exposed to it, but I still think you should reach
out to them as soon as possible to repair any damage she might have
done. They may be afraid to call or visit you lest it provoke further
fuckery from her, so they will probably welcome whatever contact you can
initiate. If it’s safe for you to do so, call, email, or visit your
friends as soon as possible and let them know that your mother does not
speak for you. […]
Then ask them for their support, encouragement, and if possible,
assistance getting away from her. You’re 18, so you can and should be
looking for your own place to live. You may already be planning to leave
home for college, but even if you’re going to school in your hometown
or not at all, you need to live apart from your mother.[…]
That’s not to say you can’t or shouldn’t continue working toward a
positive relationship with your mother, if you want to, but that
relationship needs to be on your terms and in a situation where she
doesn’t control your living arrangements. It might be worth looking for a
trans-competent family therapist to help you work through her
discomfort with your identity in a way that doesn’t involve her lashing
out at the people who love you. […]
The most
important thing to remember is that you are an adult and your mother
doesn’t have a say in your identity. You don’t need her permission to be
yourself.[…]
