selfcareafterrape:

[Image: Self Invalidation]

What It Is:

Self-Invalidation is the term used for the comments survivors make about their personal trauma, things like: “I didn’t go through anything bad enough to still be hurting like this.” “It’s not like I’m a real survivor.” “It’s my fault it happened anyway.” “I’m probably just making a big deal out of nothing.”

It is can also be the idea that you don’t deserve help or to reach out to others. 

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Where It Comes From:

 Inevitably on a survivor’s journey, no matter how great of a support system a survivor might have and how much they try to tune out everything else, survivors will run into some really gross messages along the way. Whether it is victim blaming, micro- aggressions, or doubt over the impact of trauma or how often it happens. 

Most self-invalidation is internalized messages survivors receive from either people in their lives or the media. This ranges from those who say that certain kinds of people can’t be raped, or that they should appreciate ‘the attention’, to doubt that the trauma even occurred. Sometimes the internalization even comes from messages from those who mean well- people who tell a survivor to ‘cheer up’ and ‘get over it’and those who try to ‘paint a silver lining’ by saying what happened wasn’t as bad as it could have been. 

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Why it happens

Another piece of the puzzle is the why.  There’s not a single reason why survivor’s invalidate themselves, but a big one is the idea that if you can talk yourself into believing that it wasn’t that bad- that it won’t be that bad. 

If you don’t call it rape- it won’t hurt that bad.  This is an idea that is supported by society. We reassure screaming children that they aren’t hurting that bad, that they’re over exaggerating. That if they just calmed down they would realize everything is fine. We tell people to pull themselves up by the bootstraps and we tell people that if they’d just look at the silver lining it’d be okay. 

But the truth is these things aren’t solutions. When we minimize what happened to us- we don’t make the effects of what happened any smaller, we just ignore them. And things don’t get fixed when we ignore them. If you tell yourself that a bowl is simply cracked, not shattered- it doesn’t hold water any better. 

There are other reasons that self-invalidation happens of course, but this is the big one that usually needs to be addressed. That we’re allowed to feel like the situation is beyond our control but that pretending it isn’t as bad isn’t a long term solution.

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What To Do About It 

There are a couple of different things that survivors who are struggling with Self-invalidation can do. The important thing is to remember that there is no one way to healing, and that there’s no shame for still needing time to heal or for having invalidating thoughts. Start out by reminding yourself that having invalidating thoughts doesn’t actually mean that you are invalid.  It might help to have a simple statement you say to yourself, “My trauma is valid, I am valid, It is okay to hurt.” 

 Some survivors find it helpful to remember where these messages came from. Instead of hearing the messages as an internal comment- they remind themselves or visualize it as coming from an outside source. They may choose to turn that outside source into an overdone characterization. By making the comment come from a cartoonish outsider instead, it makes it easier to say “No, that isn’t true and I refuse to listen to you.” 

Another step is to get validation from outside sources. You may find validation in reading articles that say that what you went through was trauma and that what you’re feeling right now is normal.  You may find validation talking about what happened to other survivors whether in person, over the phone, or online. You may even find validation from other people reassuring you that you’re a good person, that you aren’t broken, or that you have value – even if the person talking to you doesn’t realize what you’ve been through.

Validating statements or comforting quotes placed where you might see it often is another option. This soft nudge done often can help unwind the damage done by others. Visualizations like thinking of a stop sign every time you have a self-blaming thought, or of the thought getting swept away by a hurricane- may be useful . Sometimes hearing or seeing the words isn’t enough, there needs to be a sort of picture attached for it to really sink in. You might consider writing the invalidating thought down and burning it, ripping it up, throwing it away or otherwise discarding it.

Imagine what you would tell a friend who was struggling with these thoughts. Gently tell yourself these same things, some find it helps to do so while looking in the mirror or a picture. 

When you’re in a decent place, one where you do believe yourself- it can help to write yourself a letter for the moments when you do struggle. Tell your future self that you believe them, and that what they went through was bad enough. It can help to even list out, though possibly not in detail (or make it so that the detail can only be seen if you look further. Like in white text on a word document or in a second envelope if you write a physical letter to yourself.) because it can be hard to be reminded of those things, especially when you’re already in a bad place. 

It’s important to remember that these things aren’t going to be an instantaneous fix. Doing one thing will not suddenly make the invalidating thoughts go away forever, and none of them may work at first.  The most simplified approach is to try and stop ruminating on the thought- acknowledge that it is there and then move on, to contradict the thought, and introduce sources of validation into your life. 

(via bifeminism)