What to do with a transphobic friend

Catholic or atheist… in this context that difference does not matter much. This is all about being a compassionate and caring human being, which are Christian virtues for sure, but also values followed by most atheists.

So the real question is: What we do with friends who are transphobic?

Implicit transphobia

Transphobia comes in different flavors and different intensity.

There is one type of transphobia which may be turned into something good, and that is what I like to call “implicit transphobia”.

These persons have not really though through their attitudes to trans and queer people. They simply repeat the prejudices of the people around them.

These transphobes are often deeply embedded in the idea of “normal people” doing this or “normal people” not doing that, but they have never really reflected on what this “normal” is.

This is why they will also end up arguing that “there is something wrong with them” or “they are mentally ill”, even if this if all relevant health organizations say this is not the case. They simply do not know enough about trans and queer people and fill that void with whatever prejudices their local culture harbor.

You may reach such people with a combination of facts (“the medical community agrees that trans and queer people are not mentally ill”) and humanization. Humanization is the act of turning trans and queer people from the alien “Other” to “One of Us”:

“They are people like us! They have longings like us. They have fears like us. They have abilities like us. The only thing that makes us different is their gender identity (in the case of trans people) and/or who they love.”

Concrete examples can make a huge difference. You might, for instance, ask them if they have reflected on how trans kids feel when they are being aggressively invalidated by adult men in power. Would they let their own kids/siblings/young cis friends be treated in this way?

If they already have gay or lesbian friends, they may be used as examples of how variance is not a threat.

Strong transphobia

There is another group that is much harder to turn around. These transphobes have latched onto transphobia as a way of channeling their anger and their fear.

The cause of this anger is often completely unrelated to real trans people. This is also why they may, at the same time, attack anyone who does not adhere to their narrow rules for what is “normal” and “acceptable”. So transphobia is often – but not always – accompanied by homophobia, racism and/or misogyny.

The real cause of this anger is often the fear of losing social status and respect.

They follow the script of the bully: They find some sense of power, order and acceptance by hating and harassing those who are different. The acceptance comes from other bigots, who – together, as a community – see themselves as protectors of the normal.

They are not, of course. They are, in fact, exactly the kind of people that makes society oppressive, cruel and disruptive.

To what extent you may reach such transphobes is a question of deep into the hole of hatred they have gone, and how much of their humanity they have left.

Red flag

You say that your friend “hates transpeople and femboys”. That is a big read flag for me. This would normally mean that he is suffering from a combination of homophobia and the fear of femininity in men on the one hand and a hatred of transgender women on the other. This again is most likely associated with misogyny and a disrespect of women.

This probably means that his sense of security is anchored in a very strict gender binary, where safety is found in “real men” behaving like “real men” and “real women” following the feminine scripts.

If he himself has experienced feelings that are in conflict with this binary, he might attack trans and queer people instead of handling his own desires and dreams in a constructive way.

I am afraid the only ethical thing you can do here is to confront him about his attitudes. Tell him that you do not agree with him in this and that he should stop harming queer and trans people.

His response will give you an indication of whether there is a chance that he will come around. If you sense some kind of insecurity, you might come back to him later and repeat your message. However, if he doubles down, and gets aggressive towards you, he is not the kind of friend you want or deserve. I would cut him loose, if I were you.

Illustration: fedrelena