my little grain of sand for all the gender non-conforming transgirls out there, a specific demographic that i hold dear and near to my heart because in a lot of way is the one i identify with the most. (there are subtle cameos going on here including @sigmaleph) lets see if you can spot her.
now this applies to all gender non conforming transgirls but i want to set a little moment aside to adress one specific portion of this group, which is the specific group i had in mind when i started this excercise. trans girls in denial or lost deep inside the closet, colloquially known as “eggs”.
i have found that most trans representation i have seen tends to be post transition, after the person has already assumed their gender, their identity, well after they managed to pass. which i believe is in part the reason it took me so long to come to terms with my identity. to me trans people were people who always knew with one hundred percent certainty who they were, from a very early age, it wasnt until i started going to actual trans spaces that i realized that for a lot of people this was not the case at all. that to be trans is not necessarily being out and proud, that it can be a constant game of uncertainty, of hedging, of barganing with your sense of self.
and i realize that i always needed those stories. that is why as a kid i always gravitated to tales about people discovering something about their true nature and even though they desperatly fought against it in the end they had to come to grips with it, accept it and embrace it. stories about werewolfs trying to control their transformations, stories about witches discovering their magical powers, stories about heroes learning about their fates.
luke finding out that darth vader is his father? that exchange they have? “it’s impossible!” “search in your heart, you know its true!” “NOOOOOOOOOOOOO” powerful stuff, this was crack to my young mind.
i couldnt see my own denial until i saw it in others. i browsed r/egg_irl back in september 28th, by october 3rd i was already uploading pics to instagram of me in girl mode. the joke i once saw here “im probably cis” “ok, so definitely trans” still fucking slays me every time i read it.
the image of a passing transwoman confidently and proudly saying that they are a woman is a strong and valid one, but i posit that the image of someone that looks like a boy shily, hesitantly asking themselves “am… am i a girl?” can hold just as much power for it can help a lot of people recognize themselves much more strongly.
and one last thing, to all those people having their shells cracked, all those who might for the first time in their lives be asking themselves some pretty hard questions which you would much rather leave unadressed.
it is not a race. you dont have to jump to the deep end of the pool day one, and you can come out of the pool whenever you need to. you can just dip your toes to see how cold the water is. it is not a betrayal to still go by your assigned gender in public even after you came out of the closet. you can look like any of the people i drew here and that doesnt make you any less trans, it doesnt make you a cheater, or a fake, or tourist or a trender or whatever. this is not a life long contract that you have to commit to for keeps, this is something you do because you need it or want it, because it is what you like and what makes you comfortable and allows you to express yourself.
happy pride month everyone
