Wrestling with my very core, my very essence
“Sex is just an avenue to the conscious mind“
Josie has written a very moving post on the struggle of reconciling a male persona with a strong female gender core.
“What I’m now being forced to face is that this isn’t as simple as sweeping a fetish under the rug. This is wrestling with my very core, my very essence. I’ve spent the last 5 years slapping a band-aid on a broken leg wondering why it still hurts. I don’t hate being a man. I don’t hate my body. It just doesn’t match who I am.
What I do hate is the internal struggle. I hate having a hard time being intimate with people because I’m not comfortable in my own skin. I hate fearing being found out. I hate feeling like if people really knew who I was inside they would run away.
I can’t deny being biologically male, but I can’t keep disrespecting myself by treating my femininity like a masturbation fantasy either. It’s tough to marry these two together, and I’m tired of living my life feeling incomplete. “
(I know that some transgender people dislike terms like “biological male”, arguing that trans women are always biological female. But when you are struggling with this kind of mind/body dissonance, you need a term that describes the fact that you have the body parts of a man. That is an important part of the problem for many transgender people.)
Photo LittleBe80