For some trans and queer people, gender variance may express itself through erotic fantasies. There is nothing wrong in that. They do not make you less trans (or more trans, for that matter).
Crossdream Life is a safe forum set up for cis, trans, queer and nonbinary people who feel a need to talk about their dreams and longings, sexuality and gender.
On April 18 Lisa Selin Davis published an article in the New York Times called My Daughter Is Not Transgender. She’s a Tomboy. She was clearly annoyed with the fact that some people think of her gender-nonconforming kid as transgender. Davis believes that the child is just that: non-conforming when it comes to gender roles.
I have included some links to the following debate below.
Needless to say, TERFs and other transphobes have tried to use this article to argue that transgender activists are trying to turn perfectly normal cis kids into trans kids, and even entice them into transitioning.
There are even arguments about being trans becoming “trendy”, which – given the 40 percent attempted suicide rate among trans people – is both stupid and insulting.
There are three fundamental misconceptions that drive this debate.
Transgender is not the same as transsexual
Davis and others seem to believe that the word transgender means transsexual, in the sense that a transgender person wants to – or should – transition and live as their target sex.
This is not what transgender means. Transgender is an umbrella term for all types of gender variance and have been so since the early 1990s. A tomboy (a girl that expresses stereotypical masculine traits or interests) is transgender by this definition.
There is a kind of scientist that hides their bigotry behind pseudo-scientific terms and really bad science. One of these theories is the autogynephilia theory.
It has been thoroughly debunked by those who really know something about the sexuality of trans men and trans women, but it fits the prejudices of transphobes so well, that it is still used to invalidate and harass trans people.
I decided to make a little experiment. What if transferred the logic behind the autogynephilia theory to another group of people? The Greek term Autogynephilia could just as well man “a woman’s love of cars” as “love of oneself as a woman.”
What if we used the logic of autogynephilia on cis women who love cars?
You know what? It worked like a charm.
You can use the old-fashioned gender stereotypes of this kind of sexology to invalidate any group of people who do not live up to the sexual hang-ups of the researchers.
The more I learn about crossdreamers and other gender variant people, the more I realize that this is a diverse group of people. That is: You cannot make up a profile that fits all transgender and genderqueer people, in the same way there is no pattern of personality that fits all women or all men, all Europeans or all Asians.
Still some male to female transgender people have more in common than others. Some, for instance, tackle their gender variance by isolating themselves socially.
Are you confused about your gender, but someone has told you that you cannot be trans because you have erotic dreams about being the “other” gender? They used the “fetish” word, didn’t they? Or maybe they referred to the “autogynephilia” theory of Ray Blanchard.
Here’s the fact: It is all bullshit. It is all bad science. It is all yet another attempt from a transphobic society to force you stay in your closet, and stop you from becoming your true self.
There is more about this thread over at Crossdream Life!
There is a very interesting discussion on this twitter thread over at Crossdream Life.
LisaM tears the autogynephilia theory apart, documenting that this is indeed pseudo-science based on old-fashioned sexist views of gender and sexuality. Use it as reference the next time you end up discussing autogynephilia with bigots!
Are you confused about your gender, but someone has told you that you cannot be trans because you have erotic dreams about being the “other” gender? They used the “fetish” word, didn’t they? Or maybe they referred to the “autogynephilia” theory of Ray Blanchard.
Here’s the fact: It is all bullshit. It is all bad science. It is all yet another attempt from a transphobic society to force you stay in your closet, and stop you from becoming your true self.
If there was a magic pill That could make this innate urge go away None of us would be here today Why is it like this? Because a society through its infinite jurassic way of thinking Has glorified war, violence, militarism Scoffed at the moon Luna The softness, the sway of the feminine wave The life giving wave of of Yin How much has changed Our existence is no longer a sin As if it ever were how much things still are the same None places either of us could go to If presenting as we are today
With long standing internal strife Hours, days, weeks, months, years on end hoardings and Urges, Anxiety and purges Pain and pleasure all mixed together Self imposed feelings of shame Until some day Finding that we are not alone Listen to the ancient wisdom of the past From places and cultures Uninfested by fantasy fairy tales Imposed on the world Through conquest and war Proclaimed as eternal Truths How wrong they were How wrong they are Listen to the voices and signs from times Before patriarchy replaced matriarchy Where two spirits were respected Feared and revered Listen to the water, listen to the wind Also our voices of wisdom will be heard at last As I take mine from the delicate storms of thunder
Is there a way Out of this rabbit hole?
Marion Raven Thorsdottir take her name from the Norse god Thor, who once had to dress up as a woman to get back his hammer. The change is a reference to old beliefs about the crossgender nature of shamans.
Zagria is probably the most influential transgender history blogger around, and her
A Gender Variance Who’s Who is a treasure trove of information on transgender people, events and theories throughout history.
She sums up her understanding of crossdreaming like this:
There is narrative power in the Crossdreamer vision. It deconstructs the barrier between trans and cis, and perhaps unifies transsexual, transvestite, drag and dreamers more so than the word ‘trans’ does. It especially allows for the fact that we each dream of gender in our own way, and find different solutions. The transsexual path is not for all.
That was indeed one of the main objectives of creating that term.
There is someone for everyone, even if you are gender variant.
I have been communicating with a lot of male to female crossdreamers and transgender people during the last nine years or so, and one of the major challenges facing many of them is extreme loneliness.
Many of them tell me they have few if any friends. The discussion that follows often leads us in direction of the topic of romance and sex.
There several reasons for why this becomes problematic:
Firstly, the are often confused about their own gender. As one young British crossdreamer recently told me: “I want to be a girl!” And if that isn’t possible, this person wants at least to dress up like one.
It is hard to go out and seek out a woman for love and companionship, if she expects you to play the role of the straight non-transgender man, and you dream about being the female partner.
The fact is that many of those who are safely anchored in their assigned gender, also fear condemnation and ridicule if they reveal their gender variance to a partner.
So crossdreamers are facing two problems:
1. To find someone to love
2. If they do find someone to love, they might lose them if they tell them about their transgender nature (and I am using the word transgender in its broad umbrella sense here, including all shades of gender variant).
This is especially a problem for male to female (MTF) crossdreamers who love women.
